Argh! It seems that everywhere I go, people are pregnant!
OK...that's all...
No...that's not all. OK, someone close to me is pregnant and I've had feelings about it. I thought that after writing the show, doing the show, performing the show for a while, doing a short film about it, talking to people about the show blah blah blah I would be over it...that my husband, dog and I would go on in nuclear family bliss. That seeing an ultrasound with a little fetus moving around wouldn't make my heart drop a little.
On the flipside, we have a lot invested in this little baby. One of those things where we can babysit, get all the benefits, and then send the kid home. Not too bad all in all.
I guess I still wish that I could have gone through the experience of being pregnant and falling in love with a baby...but I never will.
I even had an irrational thought that I may be pregnant too...a thought that I had to talk myself out of over and over because I knew it wasn't true...I just wished it was.
Don't get me wrong...we're happy for her, excited, and ready to support...
It's just...hard.
Wednesday
Excerpt from Journey to the Center of the Uterus...the fertile memoir
Journey to the Center of the Uterus
A Fertile Memoir
(Of Infertility)
By Kathleen Puls Andrade
Introduction
To find out bad news at this point is fairly routine. I got a call from the IVF nurse telling me that my lining had declined and went from a 4.5 to a 3.6. Seems as if my uterus has said "That's it! I've had enough of this abuse! Put me away...forever!"
So now I'm going off my estrogen yet again but maybe the good thing is that I won't be so obsessed with food, which is a stress response, or at least I hope it is.
I'm tempted to cry but, honestly, my emotions are fairly blunted by now. I'm starting to get pretty tired of doing this. I'm looking at younger women and realizing that "I'm just...old!"
We wait for Dr. C to call and tell us what to do.
Pep thinks that we should just "put in the remaining runts" and see what happens. That's what we call our embryos...the runts. According to Dr. C, the last surviving embryos in a cycle are usually the runts of the litter because they implant the best embryos first. The runts can be viable...but probably not in my tiny, peanut sized uterus. Apparently I have an infantile uterus, which is about the size of an over roasted cashew. An outdated term according to Dr. C, but accurate nonetheless.
But apparently...even the infantile uteruses expand. Interesting.
I start looking online to find out why the uterine lining declines. The Internet is a font of information, misleading and otherwise and...Ah ha! Uterine Cancer! Oh my God I have Uterine Cancer!! I'm a prime candidate! I have ovulation problems, I'm taking lots of estrogen so I must have unopposed estrogen, no pregnancies...I'm obese...though not in a humongous way (although there would be some who would debate me on that...like...myself...) And I eat a Western diet! (Which would make anyone obese.) So...I'm F'd! Damn you Wikipedia!
I'm starting to panic a little and realize that I am working myself into a frenzy and that I don't have cancer and that I should really stop looking things up on the web. I sigh.
I'm tempted to be self-indulgent and feel sorry for myself but I can't because I'm pretty numb to all of this. My husband, however, always has room for more hope and for yet another plan and I blanch when I hear those plans because I'm really almost over this...but there's a part of me that wants to try something else. That's why this whole process is so seductive. There's always one more procedure, one more plan, one more strategy that dredges up hope...again...from the emotional dregs.
Everyone tells me to be optimistic but I really can't be anything other than pragmatic.
"It is what it is" I keep telling everyone.
"It is what it is."
A Fertile Memoir
(Of Infertility)
By Kathleen Puls Andrade
Introduction
To find out bad news at this point is fairly routine. I got a call from the IVF nurse telling me that my lining had declined and went from a 4.5 to a 3.6. Seems as if my uterus has said "That's it! I've had enough of this abuse! Put me away...forever!"
So now I'm going off my estrogen yet again but maybe the good thing is that I won't be so obsessed with food, which is a stress response, or at least I hope it is.
I'm tempted to cry but, honestly, my emotions are fairly blunted by now. I'm starting to get pretty tired of doing this. I'm looking at younger women and realizing that "I'm just...old!"
We wait for Dr. C to call and tell us what to do.
Pep thinks that we should just "put in the remaining runts" and see what happens. That's what we call our embryos...the runts. According to Dr. C, the last surviving embryos in a cycle are usually the runts of the litter because they implant the best embryos first. The runts can be viable...but probably not in my tiny, peanut sized uterus. Apparently I have an infantile uterus, which is about the size of an over roasted cashew. An outdated term according to Dr. C, but accurate nonetheless.
But apparently...even the infantile uteruses expand. Interesting.
I start looking online to find out why the uterine lining declines. The Internet is a font of information, misleading and otherwise and...Ah ha! Uterine Cancer! Oh my God I have Uterine Cancer!! I'm a prime candidate! I have ovulation problems, I'm taking lots of estrogen so I must have unopposed estrogen, no pregnancies...I'm obese...though not in a humongous way (although there would be some who would debate me on that...like...myself...) And I eat a Western diet! (Which would make anyone obese.) So...I'm F'd! Damn you Wikipedia!
I'm starting to panic a little and realize that I am working myself into a frenzy and that I don't have cancer and that I should really stop looking things up on the web. I sigh.
I'm tempted to be self-indulgent and feel sorry for myself but I can't because I'm pretty numb to all of this. My husband, however, always has room for more hope and for yet another plan and I blanch when I hear those plans because I'm really almost over this...but there's a part of me that wants to try something else. That's why this whole process is so seductive. There's always one more procedure, one more plan, one more strategy that dredges up hope...again...from the emotional dregs.
Everyone tells me to be optimistic but I really can't be anything other than pragmatic.
"It is what it is" I keep telling everyone.
"It is what it is."
Saturday
It's been a while!
It's been a while since I've visited my own blog fer gadsakes! I've actually been working on another blog about going vegan for Lent. It's been interesting doing the vegan thing and I haven't really missed meat!
www.fortydaysofvegan.blogspot.com
Anyway, on the other front:
I just took Journey to the Center of the Uterus to Baylor University in TX. What a great time! My friend is the chair of the theater dept and invited me to come and perform. Unfortunately we didn't have a huge audience but that was expected because of the recent Christmas break. Still, it was gratifying to get the response I did from my friend and from the audience.
The students couldn't really relate to the story since, as my friend said, they're doing everything they can not to get pregnant! And most of the girls hadn't even had a gyne exam. Gads...am I that old? Still, they appreciated the story and the story of creating the story. I taught some classes for the students and also discussed the creation of the show which I think was valuable for them. At least I hope so.
I had a great correspondence with Kathryn from Waco TX. In fact, I used her email (with permission) as part of my blog on www.fertilityauthority.com.
Oh, and I have a new blog post featured on Fertility Authority about being childless by choice and how positive that can be.
Check it out if you'd like.
So, anyway...I'm booking the show now and hopefully will get some work that way and also show a different, funnier side of infertility...
www.fortydaysofvegan.blogspot.com
Anyway, on the other front:
I just took Journey to the Center of the Uterus to Baylor University in TX. What a great time! My friend is the chair of the theater dept and invited me to come and perform. Unfortunately we didn't have a huge audience but that was expected because of the recent Christmas break. Still, it was gratifying to get the response I did from my friend and from the audience.
The students couldn't really relate to the story since, as my friend said, they're doing everything they can not to get pregnant! And most of the girls hadn't even had a gyne exam. Gads...am I that old? Still, they appreciated the story and the story of creating the story. I taught some classes for the students and also discussed the creation of the show which I think was valuable for them. At least I hope so.
I had a great correspondence with Kathryn from Waco TX. In fact, I used her email (with permission) as part of my blog on www.fertilityauthority.com.
Oh, and I have a new blog post featured on Fertility Authority about being childless by choice and how positive that can be.
Check it out if you'd like.
So, anyway...I'm booking the show now and hopefully will get some work that way and also show a different, funnier side of infertility...
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