Sunday...kind of lazy, kind of productive. A little pizza here, a movie there...a nap with my husband. I'd have to say the perfect day.
It's been a while since I've written anything. I feel motivated to be creative but unmotivated to do anything about it. Kind of like our two embryos...I feel motivated to see what becomes of them but unmotivated to actually find someone to put them into.
It sounds like I'm whining, I know, but I think I'm really just stuck and trying to figure out what to do with all of this.
I just had a birthday which, of course, makes me think about all of the things I want to accomplish for myself before the next one. Over and over I've said that this is going to be my last fat birthday or fat Christmas but here I am again...fat. I want to finish my young adult sci-fi book but there it sits 128 pages in...Sigh. We talk about getting a surrogate but neither of us seems to be terribly serious about actually pursuing it. Well, in our defense, it is a lot of money.
And we are a little older now and there's a lot to consider. Our whole lives would change. Do I want to change it around that much? I like the way things are. And do we really want to be the old parents in the young Lamaze class? Honestly when I think about being an older parent I don't really care. Pep and I have a good sense of humor about such things. We can pretty much laugh about anything together which is one of the things I appreciate most about him.
A lot to think about...a lot to consider...
Maybe a few more blog posts to rev up the old...well, not that old...juices...
Sunday
Wednesday
Last night I went to a women in film event as a guest of AFTRA/SAG and I have to say it was inspiring to see a lot of strong, fabulous women in my industry or associated with my industry talking about the industry...the film industry that is.
Nora Dunn was an awardee, Donna La Pietra and Diane Jackson were also awardees and it was great seeing their work and being more entertained than the typical corporate event.
Then, this morning I saw a reference to those struggling with infertility as "infertiles". I have to object to that label. We are so much more than our infertility or illnesses, or diseases or disorders. We are women who have myriad interests, desires, hopes, abilities... I often tell my relative who has schizophrenia that he isn't schizophrenic...he *has* schizophrenia. He is so much more than his mental illness...he's kind, compassionate, funny, brilliant and so much more.
Sometimes we just don't move beyond the labels of "moo" or "wannabe moo" or "infertiles". They keep us mired in what the label represents as opposed to what we really are which can be stressful in itself. I'm not saying it's easy to move beyond the labels but I do believe it's necessary to get to the core of ourselves so we can move beyond the frustration.
Nora Dunn was an awardee, Donna La Pietra and Diane Jackson were also awardees and it was great seeing their work and being more entertained than the typical corporate event.
Then, this morning I saw a reference to those struggling with infertility as "infertiles". I have to object to that label. We are so much more than our infertility or illnesses, or diseases or disorders. We are women who have myriad interests, desires, hopes, abilities... I often tell my relative who has schizophrenia that he isn't schizophrenic...he *has* schizophrenia. He is so much more than his mental illness...he's kind, compassionate, funny, brilliant and so much more.
Sometimes we just don't move beyond the labels of "moo" or "wannabe moo" or "infertiles". They keep us mired in what the label represents as opposed to what we really are which can be stressful in itself. I'm not saying it's easy to move beyond the labels but I do believe it's necessary to get to the core of ourselves so we can move beyond the frustration.
Monday
Moos
I learned something new last week. According to one child free forum, mothers are called moos and those who want to be mothers are called wannabe-moos. They had discovered my show and had an...interesting...conversation about it. At first, I confess, I reacted badly but when I looked at it again, one or two of the posters had interesting points I suppose. They had interpreted this blog to be whiny and dramatic. Apparently the humor and tongue in cheek attitude didn't shine through as I had hoped it would.
Let's take my aunt for instance...in the past I had commented on her perpetually positive outlook on life in general and her infertility specifically and wondered what happened to me (it's a running joke between me and my sisters) If they had heard me in person they would have detected the admiration in my voice when I talk about her. I admire her outlook and her ability to move forward and laugh about everything even when times are really tough. She puts a brave face on everything. When her husband died, she put on a brave face for all of us but I know that she was in pain underneath it. Just like when she didn't have kids. I'm sure there was pain about it but she couldn't dwell on it because she was busy trying to "keep him going" after the severe mumps and a head on collision that ruined his back. I interviewed her for the show and everyone who sees the show is struck by the message of "if it's not your calling, you have to live your life as it is."
So, anyway, as far as being a "moo" is concerned...if you want them, great, if you don't, that's great too. Who cares? It's a very personal decision and if you really want kids then it's a pretty difficult thing to realize that your body has failed you especially after all of your friends and family keep bringing up the expectation for you to be pregnant. Fortunately, that didn't happen to me. Most of my friends don't have kids so it actually makes things a lot easier for me to deal with. And, I'm pretty comfortable with the way things are...we love our dog, our nieces and our family so that's pretty cool with me. And, like I say in the show, maybe I don't want the responsibility anymore.
Don't get me wrong...it would have been nice to actually get pregnant and have a kid but it didn't happen. Infertility is an important part of who I am but by no means the most important thing. So, this "wannabe-moo" will have to live her life as it is.
Let's take my aunt for instance...in the past I had commented on her perpetually positive outlook on life in general and her infertility specifically and wondered what happened to me (it's a running joke between me and my sisters) If they had heard me in person they would have detected the admiration in my voice when I talk about her. I admire her outlook and her ability to move forward and laugh about everything even when times are really tough. She puts a brave face on everything. When her husband died, she put on a brave face for all of us but I know that she was in pain underneath it. Just like when she didn't have kids. I'm sure there was pain about it but she couldn't dwell on it because she was busy trying to "keep him going" after the severe mumps and a head on collision that ruined his back. I interviewed her for the show and everyone who sees the show is struck by the message of "if it's not your calling, you have to live your life as it is."
So, anyway, as far as being a "moo" is concerned...if you want them, great, if you don't, that's great too. Who cares? It's a very personal decision and if you really want kids then it's a pretty difficult thing to realize that your body has failed you especially after all of your friends and family keep bringing up the expectation for you to be pregnant. Fortunately, that didn't happen to me. Most of my friends don't have kids so it actually makes things a lot easier for me to deal with. And, I'm pretty comfortable with the way things are...we love our dog, our nieces and our family so that's pretty cool with me. And, like I say in the show, maybe I don't want the responsibility anymore.
Don't get me wrong...it would have been nice to actually get pregnant and have a kid but it didn't happen. Infertility is an important part of who I am but by no means the most important thing. So, this "wannabe-moo" will have to live her life as it is.
Tuesday
Julie and Julia...Mainly Julia
What a wonderful anniversary...with a tinge of sadness. Five or more years ago, my husband and I started the journey to get pregnant. It was long, arduous, full of the ups and downs of hope and failures until we finally stopped because, well, it was time to stop.
What does this have to do with Julie and Julia...I never knew that Julia Child was unable to get pregnant. Like me, she married later, and like me, struggled with infertility. And, of course, in those days there were only rudimentary treatments and the stigma of not having children. Some would consider that selfish...that perhaps they wanted to keep all that money for themselves, or buy yachts, and booze it up...nothing could have been further from the truth.
There is a scene in the movie where she finds out that her sister is pregnant. She reads the letter and tries to put on a brave face but breaks down on her husband's shoulder. He reassures her in the stoic way that I'm sure most partners can manage. Perhaps there is a feeling of helplessness or fear of sharing feelings or...who knows? It was a terribly poignant moment for me as I knew exactly what she was experiencing at that time. We put on a brave face, the facade crumbles, we cry...and then...move on...because we must.
In Journey to the Center of the Uterus, I include an interview from an 86 year old woman who was also unable to have children. She happens to be my aunt. She has the most sunny disposition which makes my sisters and I often wonder what happened to us) and she tells her story with humor and truth with, perhaps, a tinge of regret since she feels as though her husband would have made a wonderful father.
I often wonder what will become of me as I get older. Will my nieces take care of me? Will I live with my sisters when I'm old? If I'm alone when I'm old, what will I do?
But, I think I will be strong, and will make the most of life and maybe help share my experiences with others who need guidance...
I guess I'll leave that up to...fate...
What does this have to do with Julie and Julia...I never knew that Julia Child was unable to get pregnant. Like me, she married later, and like me, struggled with infertility. And, of course, in those days there were only rudimentary treatments and the stigma of not having children. Some would consider that selfish...that perhaps they wanted to keep all that money for themselves, or buy yachts, and booze it up...nothing could have been further from the truth.
There is a scene in the movie where she finds out that her sister is pregnant. She reads the letter and tries to put on a brave face but breaks down on her husband's shoulder. He reassures her in the stoic way that I'm sure most partners can manage. Perhaps there is a feeling of helplessness or fear of sharing feelings or...who knows? It was a terribly poignant moment for me as I knew exactly what she was experiencing at that time. We put on a brave face, the facade crumbles, we cry...and then...move on...because we must.
In Journey to the Center of the Uterus, I include an interview from an 86 year old woman who was also unable to have children. She happens to be my aunt. She has the most sunny disposition which makes my sisters and I often wonder what happened to us) and she tells her story with humor and truth with, perhaps, a tinge of regret since she feels as though her husband would have made a wonderful father.
I often wonder what will become of me as I get older. Will my nieces take care of me? Will I live with my sisters when I'm old? If I'm alone when I'm old, what will I do?
But, I think I will be strong, and will make the most of life and maybe help share my experiences with others who need guidance...
I guess I'll leave that up to...fate...
Thursday
I'm in LA with the smoke and the fires and the sister. Which is worse? Kidding! The air is filled with smoke which you can smell first thing in the morning. The show opens in 20 days and I'm reminded that I have to go thru the script and cut it down a little. I'm starting to get that actor's insecurity about the show and how funny it will be. Preview audiences love it so I think it's just me. Plus, the director/animator is getting frustrated at my flip flops. Not my feet...on whether or not it needs an intermission, cut songs, more songs...but it's all exciting and I'm learning as I go along.
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